I love The Royal Tenenbaums… such an amazing movie. And watching it the other night (for probably the 10th or so time), I got hung up on Margot Tenenbaum.
I know I know… getting hung up on a character out of a movie is really useful, one of those things that will get you far in life. But seriously, how can you not fall in love with Margot after watching this Background File on her. Those smoky eyes… that shirt dress thing and wooden finger and fur coat and all that smoking… what’s not to love?!
Lots of people I know don’t like this movie (which I don’t understand and I should immediately disown them… and it kinda makes me mad that they don’t like it… but what can you do right?!) Usually the first thing out of their mouths when they tell me that they don’t like the movie is because they don’t like Gwyneth Paltrow (which is kind of a messed up name and I challenge you to say it over and over 5 times and see if it still makes as little sense as it did before you started… see… it sounds like a side effect to a acne drug or something…)

Ok ok… so… they don’t like Gwyneth Paltrow. How can you NOT like her… ok sure… she was in a lot of bad movies and period pieces (which I loath and hate and I swear that the next person who redo’s Sense and Sensibility or any other Jane Austen flicks should be buried alive…), but she was in the Royal Tenenbaums, which should give her a free pass for life, kind of like how I give Matthew McConaughey a free pass for life (even though all of his movies lick bag) for his awesome character in Dazed and confused (which I love MORE than the Royal Tenenbaums, but not much more… actually, I love them equally, like my kids… so don’t start moping…)

Anyway… I actually think that people don’t like Gwyneth because she married that soggy Coldplay dude… who is always moping around singing about fair trade coffee and shit… (interesting sidebar: my friend, after seeing that I owned a Coldplay CD, asked me why I liked listening to Bruce Hornsby and the Range… and then after a second, I got it… light rock for Chardonay parties…) So… people don’t like Gwyneth because of her husband, which is fair enough (although, honestly, if he wanted to be my friend, I would probably listen to them, and would say that he’s an awesome guy and I’d even wear his band’s t-shirts in public (not just when I’m painting walls) and have coded words written on my wrists…)
So… to make things clear: Some people don’t like The Royal Tenenbaums because Gwyneth is in it (we’ll call these people the dummy’s), and those people sometimes don’t like Gwyneth because she’s married to droopy drawers (almost logical), which brings me to my theory (omg… this is almost a thesis… I should do my masters in why people hate Coldplay… I mean Gwyneth Paltrow…) that U2 is to blame for people hating Coldplay.

Ok… chill out! You gotta hear me out… because I know this is a stretch. But my point makes sense. Coldplay is always compared to U2 right? The next generation U2… with morals and consciences and all that. And Coldplay probably opened for U2 at some stretch, which brings me to my point: all bands that have opened for U2 have either imploded or instantly turned into shitty bands overnight. Opening for U2 is like the kiss of death.
These are the bands I’ve seen open for U2: Public Enemy (I can’t believe they stooped so low…), The Sugarcubes (broke up afterwards), The Pixies (broke up afterwards), The Kings of Leon (which instantly, and I mean instantly, went from being indie darlings to a steaming sack of shit ass shit overnight… I mean a huge piece of shit… they suck so bad it makes me hurt inside…)

So… In conclusion, please don’t dislike the Royal Tenenbaums because you don’t like Gwyneth Paltrow, and don’t dislike her because she’s married to saggy pants who sings about rainbows and ponies. Instead… aim your rage at U2… because they started this shit that we now call “conscience rock”.